Need help please, I'm lost

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woodenvisions
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Need help please, I'm lost

Postby woodenvisions » Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:08 pm

Hi everyone, this is completely foreign to me to come on a public forum and ask for help but for the first time in my life, I don't have the answer so here it goes..

As some of you know, some of you may not but a few years back I lost one of my brothers in a rather quick and unexpected passing. Now there are only 8 of us 9 kids.
He was in the Navy for 30 years and retired as Master Chief on an Aegis Cruiser/Destroyer. After active duty retirement the Government hired him again as a Teacher of Radar because that's what he knew very well.
My Dad was also in the Navy as a Male Ship Nurse in the Korean War.
He passed away at 58 just after my 18th birthday.
They are both in Arlington National Cemetary in Arlington.
My bro was cremated and buried in the ground and my Dad was cremated as well but in a urn in a wall ( Columbarium ).

This month on the 16th will be exactly 30 years since he left us.

Here is the hardest part.

Our little guy was only a few weeks old when we went there for my brothers full military honors funeral.
21 gun salut and all, Evan Scott never even flinched. His middle name Scott was my brothers name.
He will be with us again but this time he will be 2 and a 1/2 and he asks questions like he was 10...

I'm asking for advice on how to explain why his Grandpa and Uncle are in the ground and in a wall...

This is going to absolutely crush Deb and I because I already know its gonna be a tough day to begin with.

Any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks ladies and gents, u guys are all great.

Sincerely, Deb, Evan Scott and Troy.




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TX1911
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby TX1911 » Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:20 pm

Its a tough one and every child is different, and the story will change as they grow amd undersrand more. If you are religious, i would suggest couching it in terms of God needing them to come home. As the little man gets older you can have a more detailed discussion. When my grandfather passed, my daughter was 18 months old. Thats how we brought it up when she asked. Shes seven now and we can tall about more complete facts.

Not much help, i know.
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Need help please, I'm lost

Postby bsooner75 » Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:21 pm

Oh wow, that is one of life’s tough questions. This will be a special time of memory and reflection for your family. Chances are there will be so much going on around him he probably won’t ask about the why’s of where they are buried.

But…should he, I’d go at it something like this. This is how I would approach the issue with my kids so if you don’t want the faith based references feel free to substitute verbage.

“When we die our bodies are left behind and our souls go to heaven. Before your uncle and great grandfather passed away they made the decision as to where they wanted their bodies placed while their souls moved on. One chose to be buried and the other wanted to be in the wall”

Simpler is probably better.

One of these days he will swell with pride at having two relatives in Arlington National Cemetery. Best wishes to you and your family as you go on this trip.

Another thing I’ve learned as a parent when it comes to the tough questions…sometimes it’s ok to just give them a big hug and tell them you don’t know the answer they will move on to something pretty quick.

I hope I understood the question correctly.


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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby Papa Tom » Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:40 pm

At 21/2 he won't comprehend well but don't veil the truth the story will be like "at some time we all go to heaven but when we do we must leave our earthly remains on earth papa and uncle Scott left theirs here and are watching us now but we cannot see them."

Hopefully someone of us knows more about child development and will chime in. Children are continuously learning but once their curiosity is satisfied on a particular item they move on.


This reminds me of a story of mine. My wife and I took the grand kids to the petting zoo and as we are leaving we pass a corral with a mare and a very young, very male colt and granddaughter looks and says "What's that black thing hanging down?"
Grandma hustles off with grandson while I say "granny you want to help me out with this one?" "NO" and keeps walking. Two other granny types are cracking up. I bent over to the little one and said "it's a boy" She said "Oooh" and skipped off after grandma..
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby OldUsedParts » Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:50 pm

My thoughts are to let your gut feelings (aka heart) handle the moment.
If (when) tears come into the moment then hold onto each other.
Y'all are thoughtful loving parents and, even tho this might be hard,
there's no doubt in my mind you'll do what you think is best.
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby Russ » Wed Sep 05, 2018 8:00 pm

We have told our grandkids that their past family members are in heaven. We have lots of photos around the house. The kids all know who they are. They've visited graves with us and they know where nanas laying etc. I don't envy you your task ahead. You'll make the right decision. Thoughts are with your family.

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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby Professor Bunky » Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:15 pm

Best of luck with this situation, WV. Not having any children ourselves, we can't give you any advice from experience. But we think the suggestions on this thresd are very good. We know you'll be able to handle it well.
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby woodenvisions » Thu Sep 06, 2018 8:08 pm

Hi everyone,

First, I sincerely want to say Thank You All very very much for reaching out. I've read everyone's thoughts and i think I understand everyone and thier thoughts and suggestions.

I think the challenge ahead is that we've recently been told by not 1 but 3 different teachers at his daycare and 2 Moms of his friends at daycare that our little guy is 2 grades ahead of where he should be at his age and that he's having conversations and hanging out and fitting in with the 5 and 6 year olds more than kids his age.
We're hoping its a phase because we don't want him growing up too fast.
He's already counting to 20, saying the entire alphabet without a hiccup and the entire pledge of allegiance at 2 and a half...
Along with that, he's the most persistent kid I've ever seen and I spent A lot of time watching my 23 nieces and nephews growing up. He's been constantly telling us that he wants to ( go see ) Grandpa and uncle Scott after seeing thier picture on or dressers. He seems to ask questions more than a normal 2.5 year old so we're thinking changing the subject is not an option.

I think were definitely going to go with the Faith and Religion route with him but only give him what he needs to know at this point like many of you suggested.

EVERYONE here helped so even tho some don't have kids and another may think they were no help, yeah you all did more than you know...

Thank you so much again, u all took the time to be honest with me and that means everything to me :)

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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby spacetrucker » Fri Sep 07, 2018 9:02 am

the truth is the best thing to put forth, with out the truth loyalty does not exist, so one must understand life is difficult at times there is a place and time for everything, so put fourth the truth in terms your young one can understand it is not a disgrace for him to see emotion on your face, it teaches the fact that life contains tough times and it is good for him to see you and yours deal with it. So be honest with him and give him the answers to his questions, you will form a relationship with him that the bad forces of life will never penetrate. Good luck!! stay strong...
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby Tasso-Hunter » Fri Sep 07, 2018 9:44 am

Hey man, what a tough situation..You know, I am still not father so I'm not used to dealing with children so often and, indeed, I actually know nothing about children's world. However, let me say you something: people born and then need to grow up, and unfortunately that's absolutely not an easy duty! People born and die, that's just the life. Cruel. Anyway, the only thing you can do right for him I believe is to make him feel your emotions. Emotions are important for children because they are still not afraid by them like us. Sharing emotions is the ONLY way to build a solid relationship with anyone, expecially with children.
I don't want to teach you anything, I am just sharing my point of view...When I was a child my daddy never did it with me. Growing up I might've made the distance longer between me and him and today, at 29 years old, this situation just hurt me and I guess him as well. Don't be worried or ashamed to show him what you feel, it will just help him in future.

good luck my friend
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby Sailor Kenshin » Fri Sep 07, 2018 10:08 am

woodenvisions wrote:Hi everyone,

First, I sincerely want to say Thank You All very very much for reaching out. I've read everyone's thoughts and i think I understand everyone and thier thoughts and suggestions.

I think the challenge ahead is that we've recently been told by not 1 but 3 different teachers at his daycare and 2 Moms of his friends at daycare that our little guy is 2 grades ahead of where he should be at his age and that he's having conversations and hanging out and fitting in with the 5 and 6 year olds more than kids his age.
We're hoping its a phase because we don't want him growing up too fast.
He's already counting to 20, saying the entire alphabet without a hiccup and the entire pledge of allegiance at 2 and a half...
Along with that, he's the most persistent kid I've ever seen and I spent A lot of time watching my 23 nieces and nephews growing up. He's been constantly telling us that he wants to ( go see ) Grandpa and uncle Scott after seeing thier picture on or dressers. He seems to ask questions more than a normal 2.5 year old so we're thinking changing the subject is not an option.

I think were definitely going to go with the Faith and Religion route with him but only give him what he needs to know at this point like many of you suggested.

EVERYONE here helped so even tho some don't have kids and another may think they were no help, yeah you all did more than you know...

Thank you so much again, u all took the time to be honest with me and that means everything to me :)

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I understand that feeling of not wanting your little guy to grow up too soon...but it might just be that he is really, really, really bright and advanced. If that's the case, he'll always find the level he's most comfortable with.

Good luck. He'll know you care about doing the right thing.
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby woodenvisions » Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:44 am

spacetrucker wrote:the truth is the best thing to put forth, with out the truth loyalty does not exist, so one must understand life is difficult at times there is a place and time for everything, so put fourth the truth in terms your young one can understand it is not a disgrace for him to see emotion on your face, it teaches the fact that life contains tough times and it is good for him to see you and yours deal with it. So be honest with him and give him the answers to his questions, you will form a relationship with him that the bad forces of life will never penetrate. Good luck!! stay strong...
Thank you for that spacetrucker and Sailor !!

I appreciate your thoughts as well and I agree with you both and understand you as well. I'm not worried so much about him seeing how it affects me, I was just concerned about what's going thru his head at that time.
As far as emotions, I've never seen someone so young pick up on them like him. Even if I hid every tear, he will without a doubt know there is still sadness around.
I.E., he has been HOOKED on the movie CARS since he first saw it at 6 months old..
He's about to burn out the DVD player with it. About the age of 1, he picked up on a certain scene in the movie that in our eyes he shouldn't have, but he DID.

There is a part of the movie where McQueen is on the border of becoming a different person ( car )..
Since the beginning he's always been conceited, selfish and a Huge Ego !
He meets his future girlfriend ( Sally ) another Car.
She humbles him by taking him for a ride to the top of a Canyon to look down on the town that has been long forgotten.

Now, the entire movie thus far consisted of upbeat music and a lot of action.
At this point, the music slows down as she's telling him that the main highway was built to bypass this town.

Right at this point, Evan flipped out and ran to us crying his eyes out like we've never seen...
At that age he wasn't putting words together so we weren't exactly sure of what to make of it.
But now in this day, at 2.5 that scene still triggers him to come over to us, pit his head on one of our laps and says McQueen is SAD ...

Wow, at 1 he already picked up on sad emotions...
This is pretty much why I'm trying to find the right approach.

As for the bond between us, its already set in Titanium. He's my Wingman 1000% calls me Buddy and Goombah lol !, always looking for me :)
As for Mom, he'll walk thru fire to claim her :):)

Thank you again everyone, it helps confirm what I thought I knew but wasn't sure of.

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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby spacetrucker » Sat Sep 08, 2018 10:22 am

I am no counselor, or anything like that, just a grand parent.
in every relationship their is a parent and a child, so he must be kept at the child level, not an equal. my "opinion" is he should be taught its ok to be sad, it is alright for "the highway to bypass the town" life is made for us as humans to experience happy, sad, and all the emotions. Without sad, happy could not be known. This is really a deep thought for a young child to be exposed to, but it is much easier to teach as a young age, than what the alternatives could be. I tried my best to raise our daughter (stepdaughter, no kids of my own) to be tough as nails, but also how to be tender, loving and forgiving. The things I have done may not be right by a lot of peoples judgement, as one of our previous presidents said " figure out what you think is right, make a decision and do it" Good luck with this "phase of parenting" there will be others to follow... :idea:
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Re: Need help please, I'm lost

Postby woodenvisions » Sat Sep 08, 2018 10:37 am

spacetrucker wrote:I am no counselor, or anything like that, just a grand parent.
in every relationship their is a parent and a child, so he must be kept at the child level, not an equal. my "opinion" is he should be taught its ok to be sad, it is alright for "the highway to bypass the town" life is made for us as humans to experience happy, sad, and all the emotions. Without sad, happy could not be known. This is really a deep thought for a young child to be exposed to, but it is much easier to teach as a young age, than what the alternatives could be. I tried my best to raise our daughter (stepdaughter, no kids of my own) to be tough as nails, but also how to be tender, loving and forgiving. The things I have done may not be right by a lot of peoples judgement, as one of our previous presidents said " figure out what you think is right, make a decision and do it" Good luck with this "phase of parenting" there will be others to follow... :idea:
Honestly, I like grandparent and parental advice over Counsellor advice 8 out of 7 days a week.
Thank you, I agree about the tough as nails & kindness part 100 %.
He is both of them and we try to do the best we can with him. Were truly blessed, he's such a good kid, well mannered and pretty tough when it comes to standing his ground.
Sometimes we have to take a step back and remember he's only 2.5 tho.


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