Too Erudite for ?Words?

Put your funniest internet jokes + anything that pokes fun at Bubbas.

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oldusedparts USER_AVATAR
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Too Erudite for ?Words?

Postby OldUsedParts » Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:23 pm

All good but favorite is #10

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible & die like a soldier who never forgets what is due to his own honor & that of his country—Victory or Death. William Barret Travis - Lt. Col. comdt "The Alamo"
kiwiruss USER_AVATAR
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Re: Too Erudite for ?Words?

Postby Kiwiruss » Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:39 pm

I'm number 2, about Christmas time 10 years ago a guy I knew who worked at the local I drank at, he was telling me he didn't have his rent money and would be kicked out of his flat. He asked if I could lend him some money. I gave him $500 , but when I gave it to him, I wrote it off. He never paid me back. Never expected him to pay. He works in a supermarket I go to. If he sees me he avoids me. I felt good for helping him out. This same guy about 15 years earlier won about $900,000 in lotto here. He blew the lot in 10 years. Kinda sad really.

I enjoyed the rest though. Thanks emm.

Russ
Be different.......we love different. :happ:

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