Speaking of Texas Chili

Put your funniest internet jokes + anything that pokes fun at Bubbas.

Moderator: TBBQF Deputies

oldusedparts USER_AVATAR
OldUsedParts
Deputy
Posts: 21557
Joined: Sun May 15, 2011 7:09 pm
Location: Montgomery, Texas
Contact:

Speaking of Texas Chili

Postby OldUsedParts » Tue May 16, 2023 1:54 pm

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Texas chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Shiner Bock truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event: scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible & die like a soldier who never forgets what is due to his own honor & that of his country—Victory or Death. William Barret Travis - Lt. Col. comdt "The Alamo"
rambo USER_AVATAR
Rambo
Deputy
Posts: 8421
Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:39 pm
Location: Lufkin, TEXAS
Contact:

Re: Speaking of Texas Chili

Postby Rambo » Tue May 16, 2023 5:13 pm

:laughing7:
professor bunky USER_AVATAR
Professor Bunky
Outlaw
Posts: 1055
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 9:35 am
Contact:

Re: Speaking of Texas Chili

Postby Professor Bunky » Tue May 16, 2023 5:30 pm

:lol: :P :evilnana: :stir:
spacetrucker USER_AVATAR
spacetrucker
Chuck Wagon
Posts: 3434
Joined: Sun Jun 02, 2013 4:36 pm
Location: Round Rock Texas
Contact:

Re: Speaking of Texas Chili

Postby spacetrucker » Tue May 16, 2023 5:42 pm

:shock: :laughing7:
Don't count every day, Make every day Count
Good Cue to ya..
Vernon

FEC-100
Webber kettle 22"
Webber genesis
Blackstone pizza oven
bowhnter USER_AVATAR
bowhnter
Chuck Wagon
Posts: 3962
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 1:01 pm
Location: Van Alstyne, TX
Contact:

Re: Speaking of Texas Chili

Postby bowhnter » Tue May 16, 2023 7:08 pm

That’s funny every time :laughing7:
Mike

Primo Oval XL
Grilla Silverbac
Weber 26”, 22”, and Jumbo Joe
Weber Genesis
Ooni Pro Pizza oven
Blackstone 22 and 36

Return to “Those Funny Cowboys”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 21 guests